Gay Diarist

Almost 2 years ago, I met him the first time. I felt he was excited and nervous interacting with me. It was cute. I thought a lot – the age gap, office love, silly imagination. When we saw each others, I knew the chemistry is mutual but none of us mentioned about it. Recently, I’ve learnt that he has a husband. No surprise he is taken. All I can do is to wish him a happy marriage. It takes time for the feeling to fade out. I’m happy he found the one and, it went well. I guess this is… — read more

I just finished reading the book – From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life (Arthur C. Brooks, 2022). There is a sentence about friendship sticks in my mind. Adult friendship shouldn’t be left to chance. Friendship takes time and effort to maintain in the adult life. However, I rarely take effort to maintain my friendships since I live conformably in my own world. Another main reason is I don’t connect deeply with others as if I cannot allow myself to reveal my true self to others. This is not a problem… — read more

I envy people can interact with strangers well like those people can just have sex comfortably with a stranger. Sometimes, I feel it might be a good thing to myself since it stops me to do a lot of crazy stuff that’s potentially harmful to my life. — read more

Sometimes I think to myself why I feel more comfortable with older, mature men instead of guys around my age. Recently I start to realise that I feel free of responsibility and commitment with them. No one expects to have a serious relationship with the huge age gap. I don’t need to worry they expect something more serious. I want a relationship but I’m afraid of it at the same time – the fear of losing my personal space and time, the fear of emotional disturbing, the fear of commitment. — read more

All is Justice in God’s perfect world, and each of us has created his present destiny by his thoughts and desires and actions of the Past – to reap good where he was sown good and to reap evil where he has sown evil. For such is the Law, not of virtue and reward, not of sin and chastisement, but of Cause and Effect. The Boy Who Saw True I want to be a good, kind hearted guy! Sometimes it’s hard to be patient all the time especially when you get treated unfairly. Am I taking other’s advantages? I don’t… — read more

Today I work overtime because one of the vets just asked for help to query some data near the end of work. It was alright. However, my supervisor just sit at his desk until like 9 PM when I left work. He was too incompetent to help with anything but could not leave. Otherwise, he would look really bad, lol. I ordered some tissue, toilet flushable tissue and some protein powder. They were delivered today. My sister never order things that shared with the family such as those tissue. I found it pretty selfish since she also used them. — read more

Today I try to take the initiatives to work on the task. It feels great. I think I cannot wait my supervisor to take action. Otherwise, things will be super slow in progress and not well planned. I’m responsible to every thing in my life regardless of who’s at fault. Yeah, my supervisor is incompetent, why I need to rely on him and make every thing worst. I know how to do do it, then I can do it. Sitting at the office, lamenting and resenting my supervisor are not helping at all. — read more

Not long ago, I learnt a term called avoidant attachment. People who lacked of emotional support during childhood might result this as the coping mechanism. I believe it’s the reason why I got this from my typical Asian parents. I fancy autonomy and independence. Also, it’s so hard for me to form a romantic, long term relationship. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. Do I really need to fix this or just stay single. Honestly being myself alone makes me feel comfortable and great. — read more

I’m going to have my driving written test in coming July. I’m pretty excited about it. Today was Saturday, however, I was working a bit since I have a incompetent supervisor. Recently I have a anger towards him. He is a nice guy but not a good supervisor. I believe my anger coming from knowing I can do all his work but not getting his salary & title. of course, I need to remind myself that humans always overestimate our own abilities. Really need to think through how to handle this situation. How to be professional to handle this? — read more

Today is the last day of my 20s. Tomorrow, I will be 30 years old. Time flies. I wanna make some changes of my 30s. One step at a time. Yesterday, Kelvin said he really loves me. I know it pretty well. However, I don’t feel sexually attracted to him. It sounds very shallow but when I look at him, I don’t feel that feelings like in my previous relationship. The feelings of deep connection. We get along very very well though. Am I looking for too much? I feel if I don’t have that feelings why bother to stay… — read more